Die fear die!

Hello my galactic gladiators!  You look marvelous in your love armour!  Just sayin.

Tonight I wanted to share some things with you about my struggles with some fears.  You know, there are many different types of strength.  There is the physical strength that we as humans admire.  The stamina that we witness as athletes work through their pain in order to reach the finish line.  They are often rewarded with tangible things such as medals, trophies and even t-shirts when they finish a race. 

Then there is the strength of a soldier and that soldiers family.  ( I use soldier as a generic term here because this really applies to every branch of the military. )  The soldier has to overcome a fear that runs through their veins like electricity when they are in battle.  The family back home has to overcome this same sort of electrified fear every time they hear of a battle close to where their loved one is stationed.  There are thousands of people doing this on a daily basis and very few of them ever see a medal.  That doesn’t make their service or their strength any less meaningful.  And to any of you who are military or family of military, I just want to say thank you.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

There is the strength we see when someone is dealing with a terminal illness.  Often the person with the disease handles things much better than those around them.  These people look death right in the face and find the courage to live their lives to the fullest while they can.  This was the case with my family when my sister was dying of cancer. 

Then there is the everyday person like me.  I don’t have a spouse in service who I worry about every night before I sleep.  I am not dealing with any major medical issues.  And yet, I have fears.  I have a fear that I won’t be accepted because of my size.  I have fears about my age, my art, my business and whether or not I’m the absolute best mommy I can be to my dog Maddison. 

Today was really hard for me.  I was really missing my sister today.  I mean really missing her.  I spent the better part of the day trying to stop crying and wondering why it was so strong today.  My sister has been gone since 2004.  Most of the time, I’m okay.  Most of the time I remember her fondly and tell her I love her and move on with my day.  Then there are days like today that feel like I can’t quite catch my breath. 

I realized today that there are certain aspects of my life that I’m unhappy with.  Mainly I’m unhappy with myself because I let my fears stop me from living my life to the fullest sometimes.  Well you know what?  I’m SICK of it.  I read recently that we are all just one decision away from changing our lives.  Today I made a decision.  I’m not going to live in fear anymore.  I know I will still have fears but I refuse to let them stop me from living a full and happy life.  There  is a strength in allowing others to see your vulnerabilites.  This is why I’m sharing mine with you tonight. 

A friend who is on a forum I frequent said the other day, “I want memories, not regrets.”  That really hit home with me.  I love people.  I really do love them.  I try to live my life in such a way as to never intentionally hurt others.  Now it’s time for me to start giving myself that same love and respect.  I’ve decided that I’m pretty groovy and I deserve good things in life.  There will be no medals awared, but oh the rewards will be magnificent!

So if you are dealing with fears too then I invite you to join me in my new mantra.  Die fear die!  I have a passion for life and the courage to live it!  Blessings and love to you all.

You are more.

I heard a song while I was sitting in the drive through at my bank today.  The lyrics are beautiful and it touched me so deeply that I cried.  I didn’t even care who saw me.  The song is titled You are More by Tenth Avenue North.  If you haven’t heard it, I highly encourage you to toddle on over to You Tube and check it out.  Here are the lyrics. 

There’s a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she’s wandered
And the shame she can’t hide

She says, “How did I get here?
I’m not who I once was.
And I’m crippled by the fear
That I’ve fallen too far to love”

But don’t you know who you are,
What’s been done for you?
Yeah don’t you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you’ve made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You’ve been remade.

Well she tries to believe it
That she’s been given new life
But she can’t shake the feeling
That it’s not true tonight

She knows all the answers
And she’s rehearsed all the lines
And so she’ll try to do better
But then she’s too weak to try

But don’t you know who you are?
You are more than the choices that you’ve made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,

You are more than the problems you create,
You’ve been remade.

You are more than the choices that you’ve made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,

You are more than the problems you create,
You’ve been remade.

‘Cause this is not about what you’ve done,
But what’s been done for you.
This is not about where you’ve been,
But where your brokenness brings you too

This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.

You are more than the choices that you’ve made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You’ve been remade.

You are more than the choices that you’ve made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You’ve been remade.

You’ve been remade
You’ve been remade.
You’ve been remade.
You’ve been remade.

God has really been showing me his love this week.  I’m so grateful for this.  I hope your day was most magnificent.  I hope you are feeling the love today too.  Sweet dreams you fantastic creature of love and life!

After a long day…..

Hello beautiful people!  I hope you have had a most splendid day today.  Today was a mix of weirdness for me.  I woke up full of energy, caught up on all my housework and with no errands to run.  I was super excited because I was going to spend the day making soap and solid perfumes.  I have some of the most amazing and delicious scents to work with right now! 

I had some breakfast.  The wonderdog and I took a walk up to the mail box gazebos at our apt. complex.  I checked my email, answered the ones that required answers and got out all of my supplies.  I was looking through my notes when the storm arrived.  Within the next ten minutes, the wind rose to an almost frightening speed, there were loud claps of thunder and lightning was lighting up the sky.  The next thing you know, I’m sitting here with no power. 

I almost got mad but then I remembered that sometimes in life we just have to roll with the punches.  Especially when it’s something we can’t control like the weather or the power company.  I began to try to look for the humor in the situation but frankly I was stumped.  So, I decided to pass the time by calling the power company to report the outage.  Now, I know that God has a sense of humor.  I’ve known this for years, but today He really proved it to me.  My call to the power company couldn’t go through because the power company was without power.  LOL!  I am still laughing about that one. 

Three hours later the power came back on and I was ready to go again.  Then the phone began ringing.  I kid you not, I got five phone calls one right after the other.  Each call from various friends with different problems or issues today.  My friends are awesome people and they are always there for me, so when they are in need or distress I do my very best to be there for them.  Today was my opportunity to give back.  🙂 

By the time the phone calls were done, it was late and time to eat and feed the wonderdog.  We had dinner and then it started storming again.  This time we didn’t lose power, but I was too afraid to get halfway through a batch of soap and lose power again so I just gave up. 

I am working at the flower shop for the rest of the week and again on monday.  This means that Tuesday is going to be my first opportunity to make soap and perfume again.  I’m trying to be patient but I’ve got a serious need to make soap.  🙂  

So after a long day with many ups and downs I am just about ready to crash in my bed.  My bed is soft and warm and wonderful.  It’s a happy place.  The wonderdog has gotten a head start. 

Sleepy Girl

It’s not the greatest picture but you get the idea.  Sometimes after a long day we just need to decompress and relax.  This is my plan for tonight.  May you all sleep peacefully and wake up rested and refreshed in the morning.  I’m sending nothing but love your way! 

 
 

Beauty in light and laughter

Hello you dancing stars of awesomeness!  I hope you have had a wonderful day today.  My day was gloriously beautiful.  The sun was out, the flowers are blooming and the colors just seemed more vivid to me today.  It wasn’t too long ago that I prayed and asked God to put people in my life who could love me where I am while still helping me to get where I want to go.  I also ask Him daily to help me to be an instrument of His light and love. 

I got to spend some time today with my mentor.  I always enjoy this time because I am always reminded of my good qualities and then given suggestions on how to improve.  Today he told me that I have a responsibility to myself as well as other people in my life to be the absolute best I can be.  This doesn’t mean that I won’t fall down or make mistakes.  This means that I need to always put my best foot forward, even in the times I don’t feel like it.  He reminded me that when I do these things, the rewards are great and powerful in my life.  And you know what?  The really are. 

I was so aware of all the beauty around me today.  It’s kind of amazing to me sometimes how that happens.  We open our minds and our spirits and then our eyes are open to all sorts of things.  I put a new light in my light sculpture tonight and I wanted to share it with you.  This is a piece my mother gave me a few years back.  I absolutely love it. 

Light sculpture

Blue light beauty

She has one just like this except the colors in hers are a golden yellow.  Hers is beautiful too.  I have this on the floor instead of hanging because I think it looks groovy that way.  That’s the wonderdog’s toy basket right next to it.  Also a very important object in this house. 

And speaking of the wonderdog.  Tonight we were playing and she was just being a silly clown.  I was laughing at her and at one point she just plopped down in front of me and wagged her tail.  I had to snap a photog of her because it was like she was laughing with me.  Can you see the happy tail?  LOL  I love this picture of her.

Happy Tail

Laughing Wonderdog

So this is my post to you tonight.  There is beauty in everything if you will only see it.  It’s all around us.  It covers us like a warm blanket in the winter.  It comforts us like a cool breeze in the summer.   Beauty is everywhere and I can prove it.  Just go look in the mirror.  See!  I told you.  Much love coming your way tonight and always.  Thanks for coming by.  I have missed you!

I’m back and revealing my humanity.

Hello sweet love bugs! It’s so good to be back! I have missed blogging and connecting with all of you. Tonight I am just going to take a few minutes to catch you up on what’s been going on here. First and foremost my mom is recovering well. hallelujah! I talked to her on the phone yesterday and I was reminded of her determined spirit and her fierce independence. Before she got on the phone with me she was giving her roommate some sassiness. I said to him as I laughed, “Well I know where I got my stubbornness from.” He replied, “Well I’ll tell you one thing, you didn’t get it all!” LOLOL

The truth is, my mom IS stubborn as hell. So am I. But the flip side of that coin is that in many instances it serves us very well. There are many people who would have just given up after falling and fracturing their neck. Not my mom. Nope. She’s determined to recover completely and to regain her independence. This is a strength in her that I admire greatly.

We’ve talked a lot lately and we are getting closer.  I really am happy about this.  I think that we struggled for a very long time simply because we are two very different people with two really strong personalities.  It seems that we’ve found a path to just love and accept one another as we are.  I credit God with this because I threw up my hands at one point in absolute and utter frustration.  Funny thing about God, He never ever lets me down.  It was almost an instantaneous thing that when I let go He took over and things changed.  I’m more grateful for this than I can even express in words.

I struggled through fathers day this year.  This is the first year in a long time that I’ve had this struggle.  My dad walked out of my life when I was 8 years old and never looked back.  I pined after him for years until I finally realized he was never coming back.  I am grateful that I have a strong male in my life who has and continues to help me find answers and see my truths.  Another gift from God.  🙂  See how blessed I am? 

For those of you who are wondering, no I have not given up on the J a day project.  I have gotten a bit behind but I plan to catch up this week with my posting pics and such.  I just wanted to thank you all for your continued love and support during this life curve ball.  You are all so sweet and special in your own way and I love and adore you one and all. 

I will be posting some pics for you tomorrow I promise.  🙂  Have a supercoolgroovy day and spread the love baby!

The rumours of my demise are false.

Hello my little sweet peaches!  I know you all must think that I had fallen off the face of the earth!  A solid week without a single post!  I suppose I should explain.  I could make all sorts of excuses, but the fact is, this past week simply overwhelmed me. 

They sent my mom home from the rehab center.  I’m getting ready to leave here in a few minutes to drive down to Fla. to visit with her and fill her freezer with food so she doesn’t have to worry about that.  I also worked every day at the flower shop for a co-worker who has been on a well deserved vacation.  Several of these days were ten hours which left me no time after taking care of the wonder dog, laundry, lunches, are and soap making. 

I know that I’ve grown though because I didn’t give up on the blog or the J a day.  In fact, I’ve still been making my J’s but I haven’t had time to write or post about them.  So, be expecting at least one and probably a couple of very pic heavy posts when I return home!  The old me would have just walked away from this project because “I failed”.  The new me realizes that life throws us curveballs sometimes that we simply have no control over.  The best I can do is give it my best and not quit.  So the J a day project is still in full swing.  I have to forgive myself and move on.  Still want to come with me?  I hope so!

Thank you for all of the comments, facebook messages and emails you sent this week.  Honestly, you have no idea how much I needed them.  I am sending out mega universal hugs to you all for that!  (((((((((((HUGS))))))))))  Thank you so very very much!  Have a great weekend.  Remember that you are the picture of magnificence and beauty in this world and get out there and shake your cosmic groove thing!

Computers, carrots and a cactus.

Hello luminous love bunnies!  This day has been NUTS!  My computer is complaining and groaning about everything.  I know it’s because she is in need of some new memory and perhaps a general tune up.  I am making plans to take care of her soon.  She has served me very well and she deserves to be well cared for.  *pets her*

After work today I made a carrot, blueberry and apple salad.  It was so good I was blown away.  Maddison the wonderdog was also on board for this program.  She LOVES carrots.  I mean she loves carrots better than her dog cookies, which in case you aren’t clued in, are DA BOMB! 

I ran very short on time tonight so I’m only partially finished with today’s J.  I got this idea from my friend Andrea.  It’s going to be a cactus J with a southwestern theme when I’m finished with it.  I’ll post pics of the finished piece, hopefully tomorrow.  Here is what I have so far.

J122 Cactus J

 I hope your weekend is simply filled to the brim with wonderful things.  I hope that you take some time to feel the sunshine on your face, realize that you are exactly where you are supposed to be right now and that you are enough just as you are.  Also, I hope you see just how cute you look when you do that little happy dance about things that make you giggle.

There is comfort in consistency.

Hello you rad rainbow surfer!  How is your most spectacular self today?  Things are good here in Atlanta.  The sun was out today and it was pretty hot.  I had lunch with a friend and then came home to make some soap.  I realized that I didn’t have enough distilled water to make soap so I had to run back to the store.  As I was driving I was thinking about how much I love my life.  I was thinking about how I have certain routines and that I find a bit of comfort in that. 

I returned home, distilled water in hand and got a phone call.  After the call I got busy.  There is something so soothing to me about making soap.  It sounds a bit crazy because making handmade soap requires working with lye.  If people tell you that you can make soap without lye, you have my permission to laugh at them.  You can’t.  Nope.  It can’t be done.  Anyway, I get lost in the process.  I love watching the soap batter come to trace.  I love adding the scent and I love molding the soap.  I love coloring the soap and I will often spend as much time planning a soaps design as I spend on the recipe itself. 

This is consistent with the joy I feel when I’m creating art.  For me it’s all about the process and seeing how close to the idea I have in my head that I can come too in reality.  Sometimes it’s very close and sometimes I end up on a totally different track.  What never changes is how happy it makes me to create. 

Tonight’s J is titled “J119 All balled up J”.  I named it this because I was just going for a different look around the J and it sort of resembles a ball of yarn to me.  This is a little 2 inch x 2 inch square.  I like the colors.  This next week is going to be very challenging for me because I won’t have a day off for six days straight.  I will be making a J everyday though.  I’m committed!  WOOT!

J119 All balled up J

 And just to make you smile tonight, a picture of Maddison the wonderdog with her toy.  She is so sassy!  I love her to pieces.  🙂

Sassy Wonderdog

 Be kind to yourself.  Find your joy.  Follow your bliss and love, love love!

Happy Days Are A Choice

Hello you gigabytes of perfection!  Tonight we are getting back on track with the blog posts and the J’s.  Hooray for the J!  🙂

It’s funny how this silly little project has turned into something very important to me.  I actually missed posting and creating my J’s each night.  I still owe you guys some more J’s but I decided to pick up where I left off and follow the dog and cat theme.  Tonight’s J is titled J118 Kitty J.  This is the yin to the yang of the greyhound J from last week. 

J118 Kitty J

 Tonight when I talked to my mom I told her how sorry I was that she was so uncomfortable and had to go through all of this therapy now.  She said to me, “Well we have to look at the bright side of things”.  I realized that she is exactly right.  We have to make the choice each day to be happy, joyous and free.  We have to make the choice each day to see the positive and the beautiful in life.  One thing that I’ve learned is that we will find what we are looking for.  So if we are looking for a happy day then we will find it.  If we are looking for the beauty and goodness in others, we will see that too.  It also works the other way.  Today I choose happy.  Today I choose joy.  Today I choose to see the beauty and value of those around me.  And today I choose to believe that nothing but wonderful awaits me tomorrow!  You are surrounded by love and loving people.  I hope you see each and every one of them tomorrow and I hope they see you.  I’m so grateful for you all.  Thank you for choosing to be in my life and visit my world often.  🙂

 

Happy Mother’s Day and rehab.

Hello my friends.  I have some excellent news.  My mom doesn’t have to have any surgery.  I did the happy dance for quite a while when I heard this news.  🙂

She has a fracture in her C1 vertebrae.  This is the vertebrae at the very top of our spine at the base of the brain.  She is going to be in a neck brace for quite a while but they are very optimistic about her recovery.  She has no swelling in this area and she has all motor function and sensation. 

They moved her to rehab today.  I talked to her on the phone a couple of times today.  She’s tired but is doing well all things considered.  She asked about me and Maddison the wonderdog when I wished her a happy mothers day.  I am so incredibly grateful that her injuries were not worse, but I feel so sorry for her right now.  She is in for a long and uncomfortable recovery.  I just wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all go away.  Since I can’t do that, I think the best thing I can do is keep a positive attitude and keep reminding her how much I love her. 

I didn’t make a J today.  I’m going to have to play catch up with the J’s but I promise I will be back on track with them very soon.  Not only do I want to remain committed to this project, but my mom wouldn’t want me to quit either. 

I just wanted to take the time to update you all and thank all of you who left comments and emailed me.  I am always so warmed by the kindness of others whenever some type of tragedy or emergency happens.  It continues to renew my faith in the human race.  I know there is more kindness than evil in this world.  This is such a comfort to me.  Thank you for being such awesome, incredible and absolutely glowing individuals.  Thank you for sharing your love and light with me!